Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - June 2010

01/06/10  ||  Global Domination

Soreption: Deterioration of minds

7.5/10

Lord K: High quality, technical death metal that I have covered in full here. Easy win for Soreption. Swedes do it better than most. 8

Kampfar: If you start a band with the intent of mixing Spawn Of Possession with Decapitated, you and your friends will end up sounding quite close to how Soreption present themselves. Think death sporting an edge of tech and lots of start/stop riffing. 7

The Duff: Okay, the debut E.P. was fucking fantastic; I was a little worried they were rushing out this follow-up full-length. Turns out they’ve only improved, yet for some reason the utmost technicality is a withdrawing factor to my enjoyment – the riffs aren’t quite so memorable, whether because of the arrangements or the over-the-top complexity. I can’t deny that a whole fuckload (if not all of them) are headbang worthy, but key parts to the songs that need to kick things into high gear fail to do so, making this bordering the repetitive. Anton Svedin is still definitely a rising star in the death metal underground, with absolutely face-tearing solos; have no fucking clue what he’s playing on “A Wolf Among Men” – envious to say the least. 8

Trauma: Catchy as all fuck and containing the complexity that could make most men crumble. 8

CadenZ: My. Head. Was. Blown. Off. What. A. Fucken. Voice. And. What. A. Fucken. Band. Shiiiiittt. Sorry. For. The. Annoying. Moron. Writing. But. My. Head. Was. Blown. Off. As. You. Might. Remember. 9

Michael (guest): I skipped forward a lot… And this is not eight different songs, it’s a 30 minute long song with some skips on the way. Not much variation. Death metal as death metal sounds like. Nothing new, but still not bad. Just boring. Solos are kinda cool though. 5

Sadist: Season in silence

6.3/10

Lord K: Some neat groove going on here and there with some nice guitar work thrown in with intricate beats and arrangements. Sadist pretty much create something of their own and it’s not shabby at all. Just don’t expect anything brutal despite what their moniker might imply. 7

Kampfar: Progressive death without a shard of aggression but plenty of pretto is not anyway near what proper death metal should sound like. That’s a fact, not an opinion. 4

The Duff: If there’s one band that should cease to be emulated, it’s Meshuggah – influence is all fine, but the Swedes are still doing their own unique style better than anyone, so to challenge them on their own ground is foolhardy, says I. The other influences are melodic styles, black, Cynic, death metal and so forth. Not bad really (essentially piss-poor Between the Buried and Me), but mixed with the hardcore vocals, I’m not sold. 5

Trauma: Very eclectic and very catchy at times. Certainly not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but unique they definitely sound. I really love the bass lines. 8

CadenZ: Another cool slab of prog death from the Italians, who never seem to disappoint. Extra kudos to drummer Alessio, you da man. On the negative side, the production could’ve been more massive. 8

Michael (guest): I don’t know why I like this, I’m guessing it’s mostly due to the vocals and the fact that they rock a little. Mucho perfecto rock a little even. I’d even go as far as to say this is a 7, but no… I already guessed that Cathedral would be the best one… Toodles. If you’re into “extreme metal” you should give this a spin though. It’s pretty good. 6

Cathedral: The guessing game

5.2/10

Lord K: “Cats, incense, candles & wine” is a great title. And that’s also the only thing that is great about Cathedral. I can appreciate the pot-music for a few seconds at a time, but seriously – nah… I smoke too little of those weird cigarettes to be able to sit thru an album. And enjoy it. The best thing Cathedral ever did was having a dude from legendary Acid Reign in the band. Maybe he’s still in there – I don’t know. People who like this are stupid. I’ll go listen to some “Obnoxious” now. That’s not stupid. Ta-da. 3

Kampfar: I would rather visit an actual cathedral and spend time listening to a priest keen on ass-raping pristine choirboys than ever listen to this disgrace of a double disc ever again. I expected doom, but what I got was abysmal hard-rock tainted by some of the weakest vocals my ears ever heard. Avoid. 3

The Duff: I really don’t get this band; the humour ranges from tongue-in-cheek to worryingly severe when you consider how much it ruins the album’s redeeming factors, and I was expecting most of it to be doom metal rivaling that produced by the most classic of British line-ups. This music is not great, cock-rock meets elements of stoner, and some real shitty music on the side that has no place; I’m sorely disappointed. 3

Trauma: This is not the Cathedral I remember hearing a while back, and it’s also a Cathedral that I’m liking very much so. Like, yes indeed. Sign me up, I might become a fan pretty soon. 8

CadenZ: I’m guessing this is… weird? Out there? Trippy? Hazy? Yes. Any good? Yes. 7

Michael (guest): The first spin hade me thinking that this band had gone retarded for real, but two or three spins later I realized that they are fucking titans and that this album is extremely cool. I’m guessing it’s the best one I’ll hear among these “contributions” for this Autopsy, and it just restored my faith in metal (take that, Bleeding Through. No pun intended, you guys just popped up in the wrong decade). 7

Deftones: Diamond eyes

5.2/10

Lord K: If the actual music was as great and heavy as the production is on “Diamond eyes” we’d be in for a treat. Naturally that isn’t the case. I never gave a fuck about Deftones, but for an easy-listening session while doing the laundry – it definitely works. It’s terrible to admit it, but I think I’ll give this one a couple of more spins one of these days. The production alone deserves it. 6

Kampfar: Once upon a time the daft tones of Deftones seriously appealed to me. Not anymore. 4

The Duff: Never have liked Deftones, doubt if I ever will, but they do have a certain something going for them. Don’t know how this compares to “White Pony” (their classic effort, right?), so by itself the score is as follows. 5

Trauma: I thought all these bands called it quits. They should have. It’s decent, boring music. Not good, not bad. Stuck in the middle. 5

CadenZ: Deftones is proof of that even in the most pretentious of genres you can find good stuff. As long as there’s passion, talent and good execution involved, you can reach the skies. 8

Michael (guest): Did Kent (the band, not the guy) just release an album (in English, big whoop) under this moniker? Did some guy from Radiohead join them? Are they all wearing black outfits and do they all have those quite little faces that seem to say “-Here I am… pity me for I am sad”. Intel, I need intel! Bravo Six Four! The eagle has landed but the nest is empty, please advice. Over. 3

Ratt: Infestation

5/10

Lord K: I absolutely loved “Invasion of your privacy” when I was a kid. That album is phenomenal, and it also holds one of the best opening riffs ever in “Lay it down”. “Infestation” is not a return to form, but it’s absolutely a decent display of hardrock, created by veterans of the game. A bit of a surprise, really. I don’t think anyone thought they had it in them, those old fucken farts. 6

Kampfar: Ratt rhymes with scat and glam with Islam. Quite disgusting, I know, but it is nothing compared to what you have in store if stupid enough to give “Infestation” a go. Glam metal must die. 1

The Duff: Shit, can’t believe this is so far one of the best albums on the list; the vocals are tough to stomach, but the music is not so bad in places. 4

Trauma: They finally ran out of cocaine money. Or whatever their addictions may have been, were they big partiers? Hair band, must have been. Does that have anything to do with this music? Sure does, because it sounds like the 80’s, only worse than it was then, which isn’t as bad as you’d think. He’s sounding eerily similar to Dave Mustaine at times. 6

CadenZ: Ohhh shit, what was that? No… now it’s gone. Phew… AHHH!!! There it is again! Go away!! No, leave me alone! Let me go, evil brainwashing demon ov Ratt! I don’t want to like this! But I do… no! NO! Not fucken RATT! Argh, resistance seems futile, let’s just roll with it then… 7

Michael (guest): This actually sounds like Ratt. Surprised? I am… And this further fuels my idea that most kids today are underachivers with fucking disastrous haircuts. Go Ratt, rock me baby! 6

Soulfly: Omen

5/10

Lord K: Possibly (one of) the most watered down band(s) in the world. It’s not like they suddenly claimed that title, they have been fantastically boring and weak since they first started out. Soulfly is making me fall asleep a few hundred times over the course of one fucken song. There’s no denying Max and his friends do fire up some decent riffs at times, though. But you know as well as I do that it’s time to bring back the Sepultura of old and give up on this crap already. Also, they should have named themselves Dungfly. Hah. Eat that. 4

Kampfar: The sound of Soulfly has suffered an ethnic cleansing, which means they no longer treat you to Serbian pygmies doing pan-flutes. Or whatever. As a result of just mentioned genocide, they’ve turned into a more consistent and boring orchestra. Boring or not, I kind of like what I hear. 6

The Duff: I think Max Cavalera is fast becoming one of my least favourite guitar players, which is sacrilegious when I think about it through misty-eyes. I used to dig Soulfly years back, a seriously dangerous point in my life when I might’ve followed the Limp Bizkits and Korns, only to thankfully find greater solace in Metallica, Pantera and BM/death metal later on down the line. Some of the guitar playing would indicate Max still has what it takes, but there’s little here to motivate. 3

Trauma: I can’t think of anything short to write other than this. That’s how much I care about Soulfly. 4

CadenZ: Max pounds away. It sounds like Max, pounding away. I kinda like it. Pound on, Max. I like it. 7

Michael (guest): Pretty cool but nothing that blows my mind… Production is kinda dirty, that is actually kinda refreshing. Metal is supposed to be dirty and raw. I’d go for this if I was in the mood. Definitely. Ugh. 6

Sabaton: Coat of arms

4/10

Lord K: I have a soft spot for Sabaton simply becoz they are great fucken guys. The music is not completely what gets my panties wet, but they know how to write their simplistic metal and create memorable material. I take a liking in this far more than what I am willing to admit. Let’s just pretend you didn’t see these words from me, bitch. 6

Kampfar: If you are the kind of guy who enjoys being coated in cum, I guess Sabaton and their pathetic power metal will do the trick. Fucking hell, music as bad as this makes me hope for Islamic domination and the abolishment of music altogether. ASAP! 2

The Duff: A friend of mine’s favourite band; although it would seem I would rate this a low score purely to spite him, I honestly can’t stand this fire and brimstone bullshit. The musicianship is all fine, but the vocals grate the first layer of skin from my scrotum, and not in a loving manner. My friend’s a cunt; how’s that for spite? 5

Trauma: RISE UP YOUR SWORDS AND MARCH TO THE LIGHT! FOR THE GLORY OF THE KING! Bum bum-bum-bum bum-bum-bum bum-bum-bum bum. That’s all you gotta know. You love it or hate it. 8

CadenZ: “Coat of Penis” can go fuck its own ass with a dildo made of itself, shit penetrated by shit in the shitter. I should write a haiku about this. 2

Michael (guest): Wow… I was expecting some kinda of dark hellish death metal due to the moniker Sabaton, but instead I was repulsed and forever tainted by inferior speed metal (?) that has more untuned man choruses than a fucking game of Brazilian football. Awful doesn’t even begin to describe this piece of penis, I just wish that it’d go away and never come back. Oh my… I finally know how Smeagol felt like when he had that thing with Gollum going. I raise a royal curse on on this album. Deaf! Deaf! Deaf! 1

Solution .45: For aeons past

4/10

Lord K: Another one of nice-guy Christian Älvestam’s projects? I’m starting to have a hard time telling which one is which, and if we are not careful there is a chance that every album in a future AA has some connection to this mighty’n‘incredibly creative band-slut. As always the singing is great, and its backed up by melodic metal not too different from his former band Scar Symmetry. It’s quality through and through, and it probably comes across as better than it actually is – all thanx to his vocal chords and the fine production. If you can stand the obvious cheese and 2010-metal is your fave style of music in the whole wide world – then you’ll like this alot. 7

Kampfar: Suiciding with the use of a .45 Magnum, or something to that effect, would make for a messy suicide indeed. It is therefore kind of a letdown to hear the sugar-coated and not at all brutal death as presented to us by these Swedes fronted by none other than Christian “Bandwhore Numero Uno” Älvestam. Talented the whole lot are, sure thing, but whenever mentioned bandwhore brings his boyband vocals into the mix, I feel like buying him a hefty handgun. 4

The Duff: Goddamn, Soilwork-worship, 100%, and not pre-“Natural Born Chaos”-era. Goddamn embarrassing. 2

Trauma: Sounds just like Scar Symmetry to me. 6

CadenZ: If you can’t do it as well as Scar Symmetry, don’t fucken do it. The boy band parts are even gayer now… Christian, what the fuck are you doing?! 4

Michael (guest): Is that a gun? Man, what’s up with all these power/speed metal “-I want us to be on the radio guys, can’t we gay it up a bit” bands? And why the fuck would anyone want to add the occasional growl/scream to this soup of disaster? You guys think you’re Opeth Lite or something? “-Ooooh I can sing like a girl, lets use that a lot… also, Randy Hotpants over here can play a mean solo if you guys slow the tempo down a bit… it’s so noisy otherwise. Bring on the love!” Guessed it? This is not for me… 1

Sick Of It All: Based on a true story

4/10

Lord K: Another one of all those old bands I never gave a fuck about. SOIA isn’t completely terrible, they keep their HC/metal intact – the problem is just that I fucken despise this crossover between styles. Bonus points for naming a track “Braveheart”. Put a “Youngblood” on the next one and we are good to go. 4

Kampfar: I wouldn’t at all mind if this group got so sick of it all that they decided to call it quits by mass-suiciding. Supposedly a legendary act, but to me their product spells generic hardcore from here to hell. 3

The Duff: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Fuck yeah! Who woulda thought I’d dig Sick Of It All so much? Vocalist reminds me of Burst for some strange reason. Riffs’ll never win first prize anywheres, but this shit is monster-truck rally good. 7

Trauma: Obvious joke goes here. 2

CadenZ: In one ear, out the other. Next. 3

Michael (guest): Cool… Still boring in the long run… One song every now and then – not bad. Full album – not good. Jesus, why did I do this? 5

Bleeding Through: Bleeding through

3.3/10

Lord K: The New Wave Of American Plague obviously never dies on us. Absolutely lacking identity and note-worthy material, Bleeding Through literally bores me to tears. But if you think that a band having keyboards incorporated into their hideous metalcore is a bold move, these guys should do it for you. Even more so if you are deaf. And have no taste. Die. 2

Kampfar: “-I’ve heard enough of you, fucking go away!”, screams the nitwit vocalist named Brandan Schieppati. Congrats, you fucking imbecile, you nailed my thoughts at the exact time I was thinking them. During the first song, that is. For your information, dear reader, what we are dealing with here is annoying metalcore trying to act tough by adding some blasts here but not there. Utterly revolting. 2

The Duff: Not amazing. Darkane, The Black Dahlia Murder, The Red Chord and symphonic black metal synth in a mélange of decent but tiring metal. 6

Trauma: Yep, it sucks. 3

CadenZ: Drop the fucken MIDI samples, you idiots. Your tired metalcore sounds even more moronic with the Nile/Dimmu Borgir shit in the background. Schizophrenic music, this. Left, right, up, down? It’s like a fucken NES joystick secret code. 3

Michael (guest): This is competent enough, but it still sounds like something I’ve already heard again and again and again… God I wish someone would just try to alter the sacred code of “extreme metal” just a little before I lose interest in it completely. Still, if I had heard this some 15 years ago… Whoa, has it been that long? No wonder I think this sounds like recycled stuff then. My bad. I should have been born yesterday, it would have made things easier. 4

Avantasia: Angel of Babylon

3.2/10

Lord K: Pretentiousness reaches new levels when Tobias Sammet fires up yet another recording with Avantasia. I guess the guy’s talented and all but he sure can’t write music I would ever be caught having in my iPod. Or in my mp3 collection. 11 tracks of cheese is what you get in case that’s your thing. I fucken hope it’s not coz that would make you incredibly gay. I’ll take this shit over bands like Bleeding Through and their likes any day though. And that scares me. 4

Kampfar: A label named Nuclear Blast shouldn’t be allowed to release music as meek as this, so I suggest they start a sub-label called Firecracker Records and sign all their limp-wristed power-metal heroes unto that one already. Other than that, this album fucking sucks. 3

The Duff: If memory serves me correctly, the first many heard of Avantasia was with its last album, “The Scarecrow” (the first album in a trilogy, this being the third), a supposedly ambitious prog effort released closely to Ayreon’s “1011001”; a sort of head-to-head in progressive rock started 2008 – side-stepping said effort seemed a wise move on my part, as I can’t gel in the slightest with the vocals; kinda like Bon Jovi crossed with Brian Johnson (but I only vaguely jest). Unfortunately even the music is quite flat. 5

Trauma: I can tell you that I get extremely bored wit dis. Like, 9 minutes for an opening track in the classical/power rock/metal style. That’s like asking me to suck on a gigantic penis for 10 seconds. Way longer than necessary. I’ve also listened to this for way longer than necessary. 3

CadenZ: Bombastic power metal that doesn’t suck. That much. Minus points for the obvious and (apparently) obligatory fucken corniness. And for sucking. 3

Michael (guest): This isn’t even fair. I can’t stand this type of music, it’s just way to… well, happy. I can almost sense some polka-like influences, and by Satan and all his little demons – I don’t do polka. God… I have to turn this off, I’m allergic to it for fucks sake. 1

Poisonblack: Of rust and bones

2.7/10

Lord K: Not only are Poisonblack boring, they are also blessed with a very tiring vocalist to make things worse. Wikipedia labels them as “goth metal”. I label them “mediocre, at best”. 4

Kampfar: Poisonblack is for those of you who miss Sentenced. I guess. No matter if my guess is spot on or not, I certainly have no time to spare for gothic shit metal going nowhere fast. Ukko says no. 3

The Duff: Goddamn it, this has been a very shitty Audio Autopsy. 3

Trauma: Penisblack. 2

CadenZ: Some grunge-y chords are cool, but otherwise this watered-down pop version of Sentenced sounds incredibly tired. Go to sleep, pals. 3

Michael (guest): What’s up with this radio friendly, heavy, generic rock crap? No wonder kids are fucking mentally challenged these days. 1

Scorpions: Sting in the tail

2.5/10

Lord K: These guys are still around? It’s a wonder it took them 50 years to come up with this obvious album title. Cheese extravaganza, sure, but not hardly as repulsive as the Meat Loaf kind of cheese you can see dead-last in this AA. Scorpions can still rock it out some times, but they lost the ability to write material like “Rock you like a hurricane” tons of years ago. Retirement home is now. A bit late, but hey… 4

Kampfar: In the early days of my youth, way before I got hooked on perverted porn and pitch-black depression, I enjoyed Scorpions and their hard-rock quite fucking hard. Hell, I even enjoyed their ballads. Those days are long gone, buhu, and Scorpions haven’t written a memorable song since. 2

The Duff: I hate Scorpions. Simple; great guitarist. 1

Trauma: They could have done worse for a farewell. 6

CadenZ: Maybe you were raised on rock, but you don’t got it no more, you old fucks. I certainly hope you’ll keep your promise and not release more shit, ‘cause the world couldn’t take any more of this crap. 1

Michael (guest): Oh. My. God. Exit please. No. No. Go away… I’ll scream rape! 1

Meat Loaf: Hang cool teddy bear

2/10

Lord K: Hang Cool Mr. Penis. Holy smokes, I think I just shat myself. 2

Kampfar: Meat Oaf should’ve suicided ages ago. 2

The Duff: Er, I dunno dude; if Meatloaf were my thing (only when he’s sporting mega-supreme titties, am I right fellas?), this upbeat rock album with a plethora of instruments might well be everything I’d want and more in a comeback album. But it isn’t siding well with my more delicate sensibilities that focus on the brighter things in life. 3

Trauma: Hahahaha, what the fuck is up with the title? And it’s a concept album about some soldier? Makes absolutely no sense to me. I will say “California isn’t big enough” is surprisingly catchy in that totally gay and shitty way. The way that it won’t leave your goddamned head no matter how much you plead to Dio. I CAN BARELY FIT MY DICK IN MY PANTS. OOOOH-O! 2

CadenZ: One of the ugliest men on Earth returns with an absolutely redundant and totally pointless record. Who missed you, beef jerky? 2

Michael (guest): Yeah. Everybody likes a cool hangin’, but this Teddy Bear… This is not for me. 1